I saw Frozen

I saw Frozen this past weekend and I am self-identifying with Elsa a whole bunch. It's probably best if I go in order to get this giant bunch of word vomit out.

Rant #whatever

So I'm actually trying with the networking thing for th job hunt. Y'know what everyone is saying? McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's. I know that. I've tried. "Have you tried lowering your standards?" Yes, I've tried. My standards are currently this: PAYCHECK.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I need mental help, but that is currently out of my price range. Almost everything is out of my price range. All I want to be able to do is freakin decide to get a burger without crawling to Dad for money.

I just... help?

Totally Pissed

Went to the assigned psychologist for the Florida Vocational Rehab office yesterday. He was complete crap.

First off, I tried to confirm that I wouldn’t be paying any out of pocket expenses for this visit with the VR office. They never called me back.

Secondly, the guy was a general psychologist, when I needed a specialist, preferably a neuropsychiatrist. At least someone who was familiar with ASD at all!

Thirdly, the guy assumed that because I had a very small amount of friends, I was not on the autism spectrum. There was no asking about how I worked my ass off to get up the courage to make them and keep them.

The guy assumed that because I had one boyfriend for a short time at the very end of high school that I was not on the autism spectrum. I broke up with Denny after a couple months because it was just too weird being close to another person, but he never asked me to elaborate.

I’m sitting on the couch in his office stimming, because it is a new area and I’m not used to it so go ahead OPEN THE DAMN WINDOW! MAKE IT LOUDER IN THERE! “It’s just anxiety, you’ll get over it.”

He did not ask me about interests. He dismissed my claims that I could not touch goopy/slimy/sticky stuff without physically recoiling. He blew off my not talking till I was 4, cause I ‘just didn’t feel like it’ back then.

I tried to tell him about my interest in rocks and minerals, but I could not possibly be autistic because I channeled that interest into a competition. I collect knowledge on them, I don’t collect the rocks themselves, for the most part. Florida is not geologically rich, you know. I have two cases of different mineral examples that Mom got me when we went to the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, my flint, and my different limestone examples and that’s it.

And then, when I blew him away on the learning tests, he got pissed off at me. I should not have been able to deal so quickly with the arranging. And he complained that I was over thinking things. When you have to pick out the set of flowers that go with the rest of the group, I picked the only non-orchid, because, you know, the group I was trying to match it with were all non-orchids. No. The answer was the orchid picture with three blossoms. To that I say, WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK!

Today was not a good day.

Update Time

It's five in the morning and I am actually awake. I have no idea why. Usually, at five I am just now asleep or very nearly. Not so today. Last night I went to bed and slept and it was not even 10. I guess my brain is weird like that.

On Monday I got a call from Jessica, my caseworker at Florida VR. She told me that I qualified for more qualifying. I got a call yesterday from the psychologist I'll be seeing. He wanted to make sure he had the correct address so he could send me several surveys to bring with me for the first meeting.

And y'all know how much I love surveys.

So next Tuesday I have a meeting with a psychologist whose name has way to many consonants in it. And I don't know how I should be feeling. This will be another step to getting back into college, but I will have been out of school for FOUR semesters at worst. I am afraid I wont be able to cope with the sudden influx of work. But there is also part of me that relishes the rush of doing something and having it matter even slightly.

When I get this weeks allowance, if I do, I'm probably going to visit the teaching zoo again. I only wnet there once and It was raining all that time. It was very quiet. I'll also see how the monkey cage that was re-propped weathered.

Physics of the Spin

Rereading Physics of the Spin again. It encapsulates everything I try to make Ma understand.

Yes, I stay up late frequently. Yes, I probably won't get the dishes done soon cause Batman is fighting Man-Bat and I need to see what will happen even though I have seen this episode multiple times...

I have to understand things. The 'stupid fanfic' you keep dismissing is not stupid at all. I'm reading Sherlock kidfic right now? On AO3 alone there are over 50. 90% of it is crap but that leaves 5 really good ones. That doesn't even count ffn. 50 fanfics all on one subject and more is being created every day.

I need the stories. I just wish you could understand that.

To know a thing

Sorry about not writing anything these past couple months. My laptop decided that I would BSOD and not start up again. It's been fixed now.

To know a thing is to have power over it, right? Drew was talking with Mama Lynn a couple weeks ago and she was saying that a reason why I ain't been having much luck job hunting is because I might fit the profile for Asperger's Syndrome.

I'm reading about it online and I am definitely seeing me in some of the info. Wikipedia talks about how affectees approximate social norms in a laboratory context. That is what I did for a long while. It didn't always turn out well, but I definitely tried. And crashed and burned, but tried.

I remember all the time I just got so overwhelmed and pissed off at everyone in class and reading about High Functioning Autism (very similar to AS, possibly the same thing) and realizing that the 'everyone just shut up' moments happened when I was probably being overstimulated. I calmed down when I got out of the classroom and into the quiet hallway.

I'm reading so much about these things that I am getting angry and sad. I see that I exhibited so many symptoms and I can't believe no one noticed.

Even at Villas, where I had the testing and had my IEP, they didn't notice. I FREAKING USED THE PROPER TERMINOLOGY FOR PARTS OF A LIGHTBULB! How many five-year-olds do you know what a filament is and the past materials used to make it?

The good news is that as soon as I can get a proper dignosis (and not just me reading Wikipedia) I can get help... If there is any. I see so much on the web about 'dealing with your autistic child' and barely any about adult HFA and AS. The only good page I found was on about.com and we all know how reliable they are in these matters.

It makes more sense why my favorite tv characters and fanfics deal with not-exactly-neurotypical characters. Sheldon, Amy, Sherlock, Bones, Rory in that one fanfic; they all exhibit atpyical responses but I could empathize with them completely.

Hell, Bones' constant 'I don't understand' in S1 makes even more sense, now that I know what to look for.

I just have to find a Psychologist that the family can afford. That a whole different ball game.