Idea? No.

Sometimes I just don't like being so nice.

I had the idea of doing an editing service people could pay for, but as soon as I thought of it, I remembered sanityscraps is doing the same thing and she needs the money more than I do.

I could do it, but also, I want her to succeed. I don't know. I need to be more assertive.

Rant #whatever

So I'm actually trying with the networking thing for th job hunt. Y'know what everyone is saying? McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's. I know that. I've tried. "Have you tried lowering your standards?" Yes, I've tried. My standards are currently this: PAYCHECK.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I need mental help, but that is currently out of my price range. Almost everything is out of my price range. All I want to be able to do is freakin decide to get a burger without crawling to Dad for money.

I just... help?

I don't know anymore

I've tried and I keep getting almost there, but not quite. "We are seeking more qualified candidates."

My SP/Aspieness is just killing my prospects.

Can I start life over? I have made so many minor mistakes that the results are just snowballing.

I just need something.

I need to get out of the house. I need to get money. I need to get a life.

I'm actually lying on my UF application. Me. Lying. But it seems the only way to get out from under the cloud FGCU has floated over my head for the past two years.

I need a chance and this seems the only way to get it.

I... I just don't know.

More Updates...

• Sometime this week, I'm signing up for my first semester of classes in the zoo. Hallelujah! Finally!
• Kirby has informed me that A.) Sugar Heart's coma is going to last a while; and B.) if she dies, I'm out of the game.
• "Shadows of the Republic" was supposed to be on Wednesday. I was running late so I headed directly to the library instead of meeting in the Batcave first. Bad idea. Zach canceled the session cause no one showed up at the Batcave.
• The Doctor Who premiere was last Saturday and I don't know how to feel about it. I was excited for Clara cause she was going to be a computer geek, but to get her geekiness from an outside source was, in my opinion, disingenuous. Thanks a lot, Moffat!
• I got an email from the Huffington Post STEM group and they should be assigning new pairs soon. I think I have a 1/20 change to get assigned this round, wich is awesome, but I'm probably remembering the figures wrong. Oh well.
• Neil deGrasse Tyson was speaking at UF last night. like half the game night group headed over to see if we could grab tickets, but they were all gone. Since we were in the area, I swung by the Aquarium shop. THEY ARE HIRING! I might have a chance to get in. *squee* that would be so cool to work there.

That's pretty much it. TTYL.

Job Search update

Did another round of looking for a job today. I think the place I applied has some possibility. The manager I spoke to told me to call back in 2 weeks if I hadn't called them.

This is the same place I got an actual interview with a year ago and that interview went well. Perhaps my luck is finally changing.

I hope so.

So Close...

I had planned on this being a glorious post of celebration. Not so much now.

I got a job, got my first real paycheck, and got fired all within 2 weeks.

I thought things were going good. I worked hard, didn't make waves. That wasn't good enough, I guess. Walked into work this morning and I toss my bag in the cubby and my drink on the desk. I'm halfway out to clock in when Allison tells me that I'm fired. I "didn't mesh".

I tried so hard to get this job. I needed it. Now, I'm back to square one.

Is it even worth it anymore? Nine bloody months of work for a 150 bucks. I've tried so hard... I just want it to stop hurting...

Dead... Again

Another score for Gail the Phone-Killer!

Forgot to bring my charger to Ft. Myers over the weekend so my phone died. When I plugged it in last night the phone did it's little 'I'm turning on' load bar and I dropped it on the couch, content that by the time I needed to leave today, it would be fully charged.

Nope.

Instead as I grab it this morning, I notice that the phone is still loading. I watch it. The phone starts booting up and then turns off. Then starts to boot, then turns off. It did that for the entire three minutes I watched it. Apparently it did that all night and didn't get a lick of charge. I'm expecting a call from the Florida VR any day now. I can't deal with this shit!

I finally had a bit of extra money to use today. I went to Mega and grabbed Green Arrow #1 (review to come eventually). I have been waiting to buy it since I heard about the New 52. Only when I head back to the bus, I notice that my day pass has disappeared. So instead of being able to go out on the bus three times this week it'll be only two.

Still no luck on the job finding. Hopefully I can qualify for something with the vocational rehabilitation people... not likely, but there is still hope. Spring B at Santa Fe starts in 6 weeks and I would like something concrete to know before then.

Every day that I don't find out something, I get more and more hopeless... I just need a few hours a week. Just enough to get a couple classes a semester.

Anyone even listening?

EDIT: Kurt, thanks for helping even though you didn't.

To know a thing

Sorry about not writing anything these past couple months. My laptop decided that I would BSOD and not start up again. It's been fixed now.

To know a thing is to have power over it, right? Drew was talking with Mama Lynn a couple weeks ago and she was saying that a reason why I ain't been having much luck job hunting is because I might fit the profile for Asperger's Syndrome.

I'm reading about it online and I am definitely seeing me in some of the info. Wikipedia talks about how affectees approximate social norms in a laboratory context. That is what I did for a long while. It didn't always turn out well, but I definitely tried. And crashed and burned, but tried.

I remember all the time I just got so overwhelmed and pissed off at everyone in class and reading about High Functioning Autism (very similar to AS, possibly the same thing) and realizing that the 'everyone just shut up' moments happened when I was probably being overstimulated. I calmed down when I got out of the classroom and into the quiet hallway.

I'm reading so much about these things that I am getting angry and sad. I see that I exhibited so many symptoms and I can't believe no one noticed.

Even at Villas, where I had the testing and had my IEP, they didn't notice. I FREAKING USED THE PROPER TERMINOLOGY FOR PARTS OF A LIGHTBULB! How many five-year-olds do you know what a filament is and the past materials used to make it?

The good news is that as soon as I can get a proper dignosis (and not just me reading Wikipedia) I can get help... If there is any. I see so much on the web about 'dealing with your autistic child' and barely any about adult HFA and AS. The only good page I found was on about.com and we all know how reliable they are in these matters.

It makes more sense why my favorite tv characters and fanfics deal with not-exactly-neurotypical characters. Sheldon, Amy, Sherlock, Bones, Rory in that one fanfic; they all exhibit atpyical responses but I could empathize with them completely.

Hell, Bones' constant 'I don't understand' in S1 makes even more sense, now that I know what to look for.

I just have to find a Psychologist that the family can afford. That a whole different ball game.

I just feel hopeless... There are no jobs and nothing whatsoever in Gainesville. Every single place that's 'hiring' wont take me...

The papa john's place that I was so excited to work for (excited for paycheck, not excited for pizza, there's a diff) had to take on another person from Tallahassee. How likely is that bunch of horse shit?

Apparently I come on too strong for getting a job. WELL WHAT THE FUCK DO PEOPLE EXPECT WHEN I HAVEN HAD A DECENT PAYCHECK EVER! AND MY CRAPPY PAYCHECKS FROM MA STOPPED COMING IN AUGUST.

YEAH I'M FUCKING PISSED

LET ME GET A FUCKING JOB YOU ASSHOLES!

I think I know, now...

I think I finally know, now. I got the idea to look up the Peace Corps about a month ago, and the longer I think about it, the more I research it, I know this is what I’m meant to do.

There has to be a reason why I’m the way I am. Why when most people around here are complaining about the heat, I just shrug and move on. Why, when the news is on, I am so antagonistic towards the ‘in-depth’ reporters when their stories do not have much depth at all. Why I am so interested in anthropology.

I’m meant to help people. I’m meant to go out into the world and try my best to stop it from getting worse. To help reverse the world’s problems as I can. I can see it so clearly now.

I think I finally understand what Susan Cerulean was talking about in that stupid book from Comp 1, now. How an idea can take hold of you, how it can change your entire paradigm. How your life’s work can take hold of you and never let go.

It’s a wonderful feeling. I know, now, and I’ll never let that feeling go.

Updates and Ramblings

Sorry for not updating in a while. Lots of crap for me = no time for you.

I hate my job that I have right now. I know I should be grateful that I even have a job but it is just so boring. And it's only eight bucks an hour.

I have been working at that pay rate for a while and, while it is easy to calculate my paycheck, I dislike the amount of hours I work. If only people would do lots of garage sales throughout the week or the boss would pay me more. neither is likely to happen.

Good news though: I will be getting my CNA licensure at the end of the month. Then I begin the big job hunt. should be interesting. The CNA jobs at Lee memorial pay at least 12$/hour to start off. I can't wait.

Job Hunting

Mom and I are off to go job hunting today in Orlando. Fun... She has been unemployed since February and I have been scraping by working one day a week.

I have a giant list of nursing homes that will pay me to get a my CNA license and Imma be working down that list. Ma has a interview for a bookkeeping job.

This should be interesting...